I matched with a guy on a dating app, and we seemed to get along well from the chemistry and conversation down to humor. The first date was great and unlike others I’ve had, although I noticed he was very straightforward physically, kissing me several times. I’ve had to deal with guys with wrong intentions in the past so I was cautious and told him on our next date that I prefer to move more slowly after he was trying to cuddle a lot, smelling my hair, and kissing my neck - even though he stated that he is looking for a long-term relationship after getting to know people and seeing who is most compatible. He was strangely quiet and didn’t say much once I communicated that. Then he pulled back and seemed less interested when I asked if he was free to meet again, ghosted me for a few days, and then finally sent a transactional text saying he didn’t see long-term romantic potential and didn’t want to string me along. I felt so sad and confused at the sudden shift, and asked if we can have a call just to talk for a bit but he completely ghosted me again and removed his entire dating focus description (it was “Long-term relationship” at the time of our dates, previously “Long-term, open to short-term”, and was not publicly shared at all before that)
Should I follow up? There are some topics I thought may be good to clarify and address through a text message in case those were what turned him away or are areas he thought I could’ve done better. For example, he was patient with my response speed in our early conversations while I was especially busy and intermittent on the app. Also without being too specific, there was something he may have felt I should’ve done during our first date, but I saw it differently (relating to traditional chivalry), and maybe he feels like I should apologize for that. I really have no idea and feel like I didn’t get closure, but I also feel betrayed that he didn’t even think that I deserve one call. Is this a lost cause? What exactly happened, and was he ever intentional (he also had a few situationships recently)?
Any advice, help, or even just empathy would be appreciated!
He tells you very clearly that he doesn’t a long term thing.
It is clear to me that he only wants to fuck.
Unless you just want to fuck him, you should move on.
Me again. What if me addressing that topic where we didn’t see eye to eye can fix whatever this is though? Or do you think that never works and it would just make me feel worse since he will likely ignore that message too? Part of the frustration is my hyperfocusing on this too when there are million other things to get to.
Do you really want to fix this, though? Take a step back from the emotions and look at the whole picture.
If you do start a relationship with this man, this is the foundation you’d be building it on. He’s already shown you that he has issues respecting your physical boundaries and with communication. How do you expect a conversation to unfold in a way that would “fix” this? What could he say that would make you feel like his behavior was acceptable? If he said those magic words, should you even believe them?
I know it’s rough out there dating-wise, but don’t settle. And when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Sorry I’m just seeing your comment now. This is so well said, thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing! I think you’re totally right but I’m just baffled at the lengths to which he went in stringing me along for this waste of time. He would pull out all the stops during our date, sweet little gestures that felt thoughtful. He even started by saying he’s looking for a long-term relationship after getting know people and seeing who’s most compatible, and he seemed completely genuine. When he casually dropped the line about a few situationships on our very first interaction, no wonder my gut took a turn.
For a lot of (immature) guys, dating is a game with roles to play, in order to get laid. One thing that some guys do is pretend to want a serious relationship to draw in women willing to commit on the first or second date.
It’s a terrible thing to do, but some guys will go to any lengths to convince a lady to go to bed with them. Finding decent men in the sea of childish boys can be a challenge, but playing it slow and respectful will help to separate the two. A real man will respect your requests and autonomy, not challenge them or give passive-aggressive responses.
The fact that he tuned out as soon as you told him to take it easy speaks volumes about the kind of guy he is. He’s definitely looking for a quick lay and when that was off the table, he lost interest. You should consider it a good thing that he decided to call it off. He’s not wasting any more of your time with incompatible goals in mind.