We met on a dating app and have had five dates so far. I like many of his qualities for example he’s been respectful and chivalrous: didn’t try anything physical on our first date, hasn’t been pushing for sex, only kissed on our previous dates, listened to my boundary of less tongue after inserting it immediately our first kiss, told me “you’re so beautiful”, paid for our recent dinner after we split the previous one, we’ve had great chemistry/banter, opens doors and pours water, asked me my favorite flower, already initiating dates for weeks from now. Conversation flows and I’m attracted to him, both physically and otherwise, but I’m conflicted about the physical intimacy recently escalating past our emotional/mental connection.
We went to his place for the first time on our fifth date and I suggested we cuddle which turned into more. He wanted to finger and go down on me at the same time right off the bat, whereas I’m more used to fingering on its own first to let things unfold gradually. He said it’s been a few years since his most recent relationship (LTR), so we agreed we’re both learning about each other. We continued kissing and all, but he repeatedly said he wants to be inside of me (not in a pressuring way, but I don’t know what to say to that) after I already explained I prefer easing into physical intimacy slowly and am more traditional.
After a while, I asked if he could say something dirty but was shocked when he said “you’re a little slut aren’t you” when trying to dirty talk. He didn’t apologize but admitted he’s not good at it. I don’t like the word ‘slut’, but I didn’t want to make things more awkward after we just had a discussion about my preferences for going slow with fingering first before more happens. He said he will do so when the moment comes up again, which I thought meant another day, but he soon initiated fingering and our chemistry is so strong I let him go down on me right after that. He also started asking me sex-related questions like how kinky I am, what’s a no-go in the bedroom, and said he used to have a sex swing.
He also promised to share all of the photos of us from his phone but only sent one at first until I followed up and has complained about or judged each of my date ideas in some way or another - the food, declined my venue idea (my favorite spot) since he’s been there a few times already, and an accessory I just excitedly bought. I noticed he didn’t ask about my parents whereas I was trying to get to know him on a deeper level during our date, but we did touch on it during our first date (surface level though).
Please help me out, everyone. I would really appreciate any help or advice! Are there any red flags or is he just a more sexual guy who’s genuinely attracted to me with good intentions? Does he seem to be in it for casual or short-term versus a long-term relationship? Am I overthinking any of this? Instead of asking to take a break, should I scale back and explain to him I’m busy (which I am) on our next date, or wait until he asks me to come over again before opening that topic? Should I bring up the ‘slut’ term in person on our next date or wait until we’re intimate like that again and first see if he says it again before speaking up?
I would never date the way you describe, so I will refrain from passing judgement if any wrongs are being done.
However, it sounds like you have multiple reservations and preferences, especially around physical intimacy, that aren’t being communicated until they are crossed or become an issue for you. It’s impossible to say from your description if he’s particularly insensitive to your communication, but strengthening your communication skills will help you avoid these situations regardless of the recipient.
Perhaps you would appreciate practicing being more active in asking and steering your interactions, perhaps better checking in with yourself about when and where your boundaries lay, sometimes it’s about speaking up or getting confirmation that you’re heard, or simply treasuring yourself. With a broad array of tools, you will be able to navigate more situations and people. With skill and practice, you shouldn’t have to ever have your boundaries accidentally crossed, and also more easily handle situations where they might be disrespectfully challenged.
I would perhaps also recommend looking into ND friendly dating/relationship strategies. Regardless if you’re ND or not yourself, the tools and strategies support people in conveying boundaries, managing expectations and being clear in communication — before incidents happen.
I’m just going to be blunt here… And, in the words of Lil Dicky, let the man freak.
Y’all have been on five dates. The guy has probably spent a considerable amount of money taking you out, planning dates, and doing whatever it is you wanted to do. And now, he wants to get his dick wet.
Meanwhile, you’re sitting there psychoanalyzing the guy, trying to figure out what he meant by the word “slut” after you both agreed to engage in dirty talk?
The guy wants you something awful. And understand, I’m not saying your consent doesn’t matter. It absolutely does. But you also have to be willing to empathize with the man and understand where he’s coming from.
A relationship is a two-way street. It’s about give and take. You can’t expect everything to revolve exclusively around what you want, what makes you comfortable, and how you feel. You have to consider what the other person is feeling, too.
Empathy is an important part of any relationship, and based on what you’ve described, it seems to be in rather short supply here.
I noticed he didn’t ask about my parents
Don’t think I ever asked a girl about her parents
After a while, I asked if he could say something dirty but was shocked when he said “you’re a little slut aren’t you” when trying to dirty talk. He didn’t apologize but admitted he’s not good at it.
I’m also not good at dirty talk so if you’re asking for it, it won’t come natural and you shouldn’t expect nothing weird to come out.
He wanted to finger and go down on me at the same time right off the bat, whereas I’m more used to fingering on its own first to let things unfold gradually.
Wtf why not do both when you’re down there anyway? I think you’re overthinking this.
As to your last paragraph: you’re treating us as your close friends who’ve known you in person for a long time and know about your previous relationships and possibly have met the person you’re talking about. None of that is the case and we really can’t help you by analysing your interpretations of subtle actions and words.
I mean this in the kindest way possible but after having run across pretty much every one of your posts I think:
You shouldn’t be dating. You seem to have some internal issues that need to be worked out before you get with another person.
You should get tested to see if you’re on the spectrum.
Examine your orientation or at least what you are really wanting, in a therapy setting.
I meet women like OP all the time in dating.
Their problem is they think they are perfect as they are, and it’s everyone else who is wrong. And ‘love’ is when a man has superpowers to read their thoughts and intentions and they have to make zero effort to ever be vulnerable by actually talking about their desire sand feelings. they also have this storybook fantasy nonsense in their heads, where they idealize you and then demonize you when they find out you poo, because prince charming can’t ever smell bad!
You asked for dirty talk and are now upset over slut? This dude is thirsty as fuck doing his best to respectful and you’ve put him on a wild ride of confusion here
🤦
Slut is a perfectly reasonable word to use in dirty talk … seems like you don’t want dirty talk.
I’ve had a quick run through your post history and the common problem you are facing everywhere is communication. You are trying to figure out your partner’s intentions by analyzing their subtle actions and gestures, while expecting them to somehow read your thoughts and figure out what you expect from them. Well, it doesn’t work like that. If you can’t read what they are thinking about, neither do they.
The solution: talk to them. Be more specific. Drop all the subtle hinting and just tell exactly what you want, and ask exactly what they want (you do want to know what they want, right?).
Simple dialogue switches relationships to super easy mode, try it.
No! It needs to be telepathy! That will prove they’re soulmates who, by the works of the great destiny, found each other in a chaotic universe of billions of wondering souls! /s
i have had so many relationships end because that was the expecation, yup.
and asking her to talk? that makes me a selfish asshole. how dare I ask her to use her words! a real man would never do that!
and the keyword here is always ‘chivalrous’. OP is living in storybook land in their head.
Fun fact: the chivalric codes exist because knights were a bunch of murdering, pillaging rapists.
Think about it: why would a bunch of gentlemen need such strict rules?
As a man who is awful at picking up on hints, this is definitely the way
Lol! Awkward! To be fair, you did ask him to say something dirty. It’s just unfortunate that he opened with something you aren’t into.
Communication is the key to great sex. Don’t be afraid to let him know you aren’t into that word…but try not to be too hard on him for not knowing that, ahead of time.
If he is pressuring you to do more than you are comfortable with, he’s no good.
That being said, it also sounds like you have a very specific plan on how everything needs to happen, and I suspect you haven’t actually told anyone what that plan is. One theme I keep seeing in the story is that you’ve corrected him at every step of this relationship and it sounds like you’re frustrated that he isn’t sticking to the script that you’ve written in your head.
Assuming he isn’t just trying to get in your pants, cut him some slack, and see how your story plays out instead of comparing it to your expectations.
Speaking of the script, it would be a good idea to talk about it. If you know what the plan is, it won’t come as a surprise later. If you tell the other person about what your goal is, they could agree to go with it or nope out immediately. It saves so much time and tears.
if you want dirty talk, and specific words upset you and you don’t want them involved in the dirty talk, you need to be VERY clear about that. most people that aren’t into dirty talk have no idea at all what it even is and some think it’s just saying swears. you have to tell them what exactly you want and you have to tell them what words and attitudes you hate.
I can’t see anything that he did wrong, from this story.
I can see that you were pedantic about many things, and you seem not to recognize it. That can kill lots of nice situations. Be more soft and careful with your criticism, but be more open and precise and detailed when telling your wishes in advance.
Regarding the slut word: first both of you said you need to try and learn. Then you asked him for dirty talk. Then he tried it. So he tried to do exactly what you asked for, but then it wasn’t right for you. Ok, such things can happen. Don’t overthink it. Maybe talk it out again, maybe forget it (but then forever!).
this person is using asklemmy as a dumping ground for their weird emotional issues.
and blames the man for everything, while taking no responsibility for their own agency. they are either unwell, or very immature, or straight up trolling with these posts.
I am old now, and have had failed relationships because we simply did not communicate our thoughts. The best thing to do is to sit him down in a neutral environment (where it is relatively safe for you) and explain everything clearly about your expectations, your boundaries, your plans, etc. Do not leave anything unsaid that can be left open to interpretation. It is always possible he is severely misinterpreting something. If you think he is worth being with, then good relationships take work and people are imperfect. But also if you suspect you may be in danger at any time, you should trust your gut.
Rules 2 and 5
Wanted to comment on the “dirty talk” aspect… I suggest you spend a little time talking with him about what kind of stuff you’re into and not into. Give him some context and maybe he’ll do better if there is a next time.
Regarding the overall vibe check it seems like things are progressing nicely. If he’s taking feedback and being proactive learning about your preferences, those are good signs IMHO.
Didn’t you post this yesterday?
Ask is becoming like Jackanory time.
This reads like bait + 0 responses too.
